I am not a New Year’s resolutionist. For as much as I love order and structure (and all that comes with it … planners, new pens, crisp clean notebooks, lists, post it notes), I know myself well enough to know that “goals” only serve to later make me guilty that I didn’t stick to them. So I don’t set them.
That said, I love the New Year …every year. About as much as I love the end of August when Target smells of college-lined paper and plastic pencil pouches, I love the fresh start we get again in January. I was made for new beginnings. Maybe this is an indication that after 17 years of following Jesus I am finally seeing that I am desperate for a fresh start, often.
So my “desire” (note the word choice) for 2010 is very simple: love.
I want to know more of the heart and love of God for me. Seems selfish? Maybe so, but I have recently been tasting the fact that God doesn’t use the same evaluative lens towards me that I use on myself and actually enjoys me. I’ve said this about a thousand times to myself and others but for some reason late 2009 has brought a shift in my spirit to where I’m actually believing it. And it’s a whole lot more fun to spend time with a God who I believe wants to be with me, rather than how I often see Him …as one who is tolerating me and really just waiting for opportunities to point out my failures.
I want to fall in love with God this year. All over again, or new for the first time — I don’t know. I just want to fall more deeply in love.
I couldn’t pray this and not ask that His love would so move me that I resolve (whoops – “desire”) to fall more in love with my husband. We’ve certainly gotten comfortable as roomies. He’s finally stopped creating “holding places” for his things all over this house and learned my motto: there’s a place for everything and everything in its place. He’s an amazing father and we’ve really hit a stride, we see eye-to-eye, in the way we parent and the dreams and passions we have for our children. I’m loving experimenting with new health concoctions and he’s a happy consumer. I’m wanting to spend more time writing and he’s the perfect editor. And I seem to quickly find ways to spend or give away the money he’s just made. Perfect pair, right?
But this is not enough.
I want the same potential-to-move-and-change-me love of the Father to move through my marriage. I want to see Nate with God’s eyes. I want to learn him, and all his nuances, in the very way I long to feel known by God and to know God. I want to love Nate deeply. All over again, or new for the first time — I don’t know. I just want to fall more deeply in love.
And finally, I want my children to know the love of Jesus. My kids are pretty obedient (at least today). They love the order their mommy loves and have fallen quickly into step with our lifestyle. They sleep through the night, take good naps, and when they wake up from their nap early they typically “read” in bed. They only have melt-downs when I’m feeling pride about the fact that they don’t melt down. And they even drink my spinach juice. And on top of it they are happy most of the time. Perfect children, right?
But this is not enough — or even close.
I want my children to fall madly in love with their heavenly Father. I want them to know life through His eyes, not because they were taught to or they should … but because His love fascinated them. More than the mission of Jesus, I want them to know the man. I want them to know joy, real joy. The joy that comes from being loved at your very core by the One who made you. My goal desire is that they would learn Jesus’ love and that it would forever mark them. I want to be a conduit for that love for them.
So … my conscience is nagging me to admit that I also have a very short list of things like “juice three times a week”, “read one novel a month that will stretch my heart and mind”, and “no more sweet treats” that just seemed to come together a few days after the ball dropped. But these are not New Year’s goals either. Just desires for myself. Things I’m taking to the God who–even already since I wrote this list and began to pray for love–has shown me that this year will be like none other before. I’m saying “please help me with these.” These are certainly not things that I could fail or measures of my worth. No, not “goals”. Nope. Just … desires. With action steps.
And now that I’ve written them down for whomever the heck reads this blog (and has not resolved to stop wasting time reading blogs in 2010) to see, there’s a little more accountability. You know, for my desires, that is. Not my goals.
And for the record, this whole desiring God’s love thing really works. 2010 has been the best year of my life so far. These past six days … wow.
(PS. Part of loving my husband, my editor, is not being hurt when he says “you need to add some pictures” to make it more interesting even when it doesn’t really fit into the post. So, here’s some pictures;) Enjoy.