I have no time or desire to try and research why after finding just one gray hair, more — all of a sudden — seem to have been emerging across my scalp. While it might seem that I’ve just been blind all this time to what’s been there for months or even years, there has to be some sort of science behind multiple hairs going gray all at the same time. Or I can give into my childhood imagination and just suppose that there is a master conspiracy happening in the thick of my hair follicles where many members of one coup have decided to overthrow the masses all at once. (I suppose thinking that my head is under siege from an army of gray is a lot more exciting than giving into the notion that I am aging.)
Although I kid, there is a little nerve in me that’s touched at any sign of aging … it’s like the tick-tock-of-a-clock reminding me that life is continuing to move on while my dreams of a family have been at a relative standstill.
So, this week when I found my second …and then third gray hair (on top of noticing that one of my eyebrow hairs had also joined the militia) I wrestled with the age-old lie of the enemy that I’m just getting older and “life” is passing me by.
What felt new this time around was the my growing confidence that God’s perfect plan for my life has not been thwarted. Time, prayer and just sitting at the feet of Jesus seems to have made an impact on my heart that has long wrestled with feeling like I somehow landed in the slow line at the grocery store. 2009 has brought with it a tremendous sense of gratefulness to all the struggle … all the wrestling … all the waiting … all the uncertainty. In a sense I feel as if I have been given a ticket to join the ranks of others in scripture — Moses, David, Hannah, Elizabeth, Job — who waited on a promise and in the meantime found that the consummation of their promise, although definitely significant, still paled in comparison One who promised it.
The greatest conspiracy of all that this year has brought is that, although circumstances may communicate otherwise, we’ve walked away with the prize — One that will never be taken away from us. And my plan of attacking the year ahead and the future challenges that this adoption may bring … lift up His name.
The words that God whispered into my heart just a few weeks back:
Psalm 73: 25 Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.