I recently read in a commentary on the book of Job where the author challenges readers to “pray dangerous prayers.”
My mind flashed back to a year ago this time and even before when my mind was filled with prayers like “God, make me more like you … I want to really know you.”
Sometimes I walk while I pray. Although we at times regret the open floor plan of our house because it makes it difficult to have privacy on the first floor, I’m thankful for the flow of “traffic” that allows me to walk an all-to-familiar loop while I wrestle with God in prayer.
As I look back on a year, two, even three years ago the memory that resonates most with me in regards to my faith are those prayers that came out of my first floor loop. I prayed prayers that will forever impact my life, of which I am eyeing the fruit of at this very moment. I can honestly say, as I watch the answers unfold, that I prayed dangerous prayers. Naive prayers? Yes. Did I at times cry out to God without realization of the weight of my words? Yes. But those words weren’t just made up. They came from a place deep within me that wanted the life I was created for … to live in union — communion — with God.
And in order for that to happen, one of us has to back down. Nate can attest–I stink at that. And so what did God do? He heard the cry of my heart, naive but full of true desire, and he responded by unraveling a series of circumstances in my life … simultaneously … so that I might have the opportunity to be overcome by His love. So that I wouldn’t miss the beauty of being a child of God, which was bound to be lost in my own efforts to control my life and destiny.
The adoption (being just one piece of many) has actually revealed to me in a very small dose what it means to be adopted.
I have fallen into the care of one who knows that true love is not about ease or comfort but it is about a tireless battle for the heart of a child. And in order for my heart to be won, I must first relent. Give over control (I should say a “sense” of control, as control was never there to begin with).
And it’s there that my dangerous prayers led me to true safety.
You better believe I’ve questioned those prayers (more than just once) as I’ve surveyed the outcome. But I was reminded today as I grappled again with a sense of more time lost in our adoption and journey to being parents, that in my heart of hearts there is no other option for me. If I am to live here on this earth as one who professes Jesus as Lord and Savior, I can not be satisfied if He is just a nice ornament to my already subsistent life.
A dear friend always says to me on our morning runs “I want all the fullness of God.”
So, today, again I pray the prayer that is in-part from within me and in-part one I say out loud to remind me of the life I’ve chosen: Whatever it takes, God … I want to know you.
JOB: “But He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold” Job 23:10
(If you haven’t yet already, check out the post from last night as it gives an update on our adoption that many of you have so thoughtfully been emailing and asking about …)