Mother’s Day was for hiding.
Some years it was behind my apron, fixing up a feast at home for my mother-in-law while Nate attended church, and other years it was underneath my covers, seeing this thin sheath between me and the world (which had what I wanted) as my greatest ally.
Our church seemed unusually prolific, busting at the seams with round-bellied women and diapered toddlers. It often felt like work for me to walk into a room and see them for His beauty on them and not simply as women who knew this apparent “rite of passage” — that I couldn’t quite get. At times, this surfaced envy and at others just that thick ache of loss and all the “why, Lord?” questions that came with it. On days when I wasn’t running to Him with what surfaced, it was all easier to avoid than to face.
I didn’t like who I was when I stared into what I didn’t have.
On this particular Mother’s Day, I took my customary pass while Nate joined the mama’s being celebrated.
Just the previous day, I’d had a few extra minutes to pop into a greenhouse boutique that held almost nothing we could afford at the time. I poked and prodded through trinkets and potted plants and gift cards — something I’d rarely done. One, in particular, caught my eye; it was exactly my taste. With no wiggle room to splurge, I went on with my day.
Not twenty four hours later, Nate returned home from church with that very same pot, filled. A gift. My fifty-something friend, a mom of four and grandmother of three, had picked out and packaged just for me. She’d taken her eye off of her big day to ask Him who else needed celebrating.
Though she didn’t know this particular ache, she scooted close to His heart, the One who is the best giver of gifts.
And that day she was His reminder to me: not one of your tears is lost on me, Sara.
On a weekend when women stand and are celebrated for that glorious mundanity which is motherhood, there are just as many sitting beside them, whose hearts are sunk. The one who lost her baby this month and the other who’s logged years — not months — trying to conceive. The mama whose husband died or isn’t around to rally those troops to celebrate her and the other who has fostered children into a forever-mama’s arms but has none, yet, of her own. The single woman who wonders, on this particular day, if femininity has to be tied to offspring, and the mother — adopting — who has no stretch marks, only paperwork, to show for her pursuit.
They share the bench of our pews.
The crazy thing about that church, years ago, and all those women who birthed their first, second and third while I knew them was that they also represented what His hands and His feet can do for the broken. When I moved out of the back row and began to let them see my blood-red vulnerability, He used them. Beautifully.
Just like He used Linda on that Mother’s Day for me.
If we ask Him to highlight the unique pains of those around us, we might just get a chance to buy the extravagant pot. And, even more, we might just get to receive a piece of the Father’s heart for us, in our giving.
We so often look away at another’s bleeding — what do you say? how do you respond? — as evidence of our small view of God. We subtly believe His hands are tied against their pain that is unfamiliar to us, that He’s dumfounded, like us. But His hands aren’t tied. And He doesn’t turn, He leans in to them.
These women are at the threshold of disovering a side of Him, known uniquely in their ache. They have gold underneath those tears. Their reproach will one day be their crown.
And it’s in putting on His unnatural love for them that we get to move from talking about the beauty of the unseen and the eternal “not yet” of His to walking it out.
Whose Linda will you be this weekend?
Photos compliments of Mandie Joy. She’s also taken the chicken-scratch from my moleskine journal and turned it into our May Adoration prayer guide. It’s not too late to jump in, adoring Him, this month. [Daily adorations are also on instagram.]
And (a little bit of a gasp here), I just took the plunge and am on twitter (amazing for a girl who can barely shut down her computer on her own!). You can find me here: https://twitter.com/SaraHagerty. Be gracious with this slow adapter ;).